Raising tweens can be a frustrating experience but understanding what is happening can go a long way to keeping peace in the home. Key words are communication and tolerance.
Love/Hate Relationship
Tweens fluctuate between loving and hating their parents and the mood swings can be bewildering. It is part of the process of becoming their own person and it is best not to take the hate days personally.
Confusion
Impatience, anger and emerging sexuality can combine to cause great confusion. One moment the child feels like an adult and demands the accompanying privileges. The next he reverts to being a child and needs the closeness of his parents' love. The important thing is to remain stable and be there when needed.
Developing Privacy
Along with a yearning for independence comes the desire for privacy. Bedrooms and bathrooms will be locked and the child may lie about where he is going or what friends he is hanging out with. While lying should not be tolerated, start allowing margins of privacy in keeping with age and maturity. Make sure the child realizes these privileges can be revoked if ground rules are not obeyed.
Social Arrangements
Tweens enjoy socializing and may begin arranging outings to movies or the mall without consulting their parents first. It is at this stage that a discussion of rules, safety and transport can become necessary. Try to see things from their point of view and offer lifts and assistance as they stretch their wings.
Mobile Phones
Children are growing attached to their phones at younger and younger ages. Some parents take their phones away as a form of punishment. While this may be effective, it can also generate resentment and rebellion. It can actually be useful for the child to have a phone. It means they are generally accessible no matter where they are and can text for help in an emergency. If their phone usage is within reasonable boundaries, leave them be and find another form of punishment.
Attachment to Parents
Surprisingly, tweens are often the ones who feel guilty for leaving their parents and may even feel anxiety at the thought of going away overnight. Parents can help by pushing them out of the nest and encouraging them to go out and have a good time.
Bad Company
With experimentation and the desire to break free, many tweens detour into the shady area of mixing with bad company. Somehow it seems cool to be with the bad dudes and they often end up in trouble themselves. Forbidding them to mix with these types may make them even more determined. It may be more helpful to invite them to have an adult conversation about the matter. Often a child will come to his senses in due course anyway.
Tween years can be very trying but will generally be a mixture of highs and lows. The important thing is to remain a stable influence and reassess boundaries every few months. Keep the child involved in the decision making as far as possible as it will make them feel valued and respected.
