Does Your Tween Want Independence?
How to Know if Your Child is Ready for More Freedom
As children get prepare to enter the teenage years, they are asking to stay home alone or to go out without adult supervision. How do you know if your child is ready?
Baby books tell new parents what to expect for each stage of development, but as kids hit adolescence, it may be harder to tell if they are ready for new stages. Here are some tips on how to know when your older child or young teen is ready for some of the challenges of growing up.
Ready to Stay Home Alone?
If your 10-year-old is arguing that he can stay home by himself without a babysitter for the monthly parent date night, you may need to think twice. While some states have specific laws stating the minimum age that kids can stay home alone, most have only recommendations. So first, check with your state’s social service agency, and if there is no minimum, or if your child meets the minimum, consider the following questions:
- Is your child comfortable staying at home, even after dark? Is he bothered by creaks and unexplained noises when the house is quiet?
- Is he responsible? Does he follow (in general) the rules? Can you trust him to behave by himself?
- Does he know emergency procedures? Can he give his name and address under stress? Does he know how and when to call 911? Does he know how to reach you by phone and at least two neighbors?
- In general, does he make good decisions? Is he trustworthy?
If the answer to these is yes, he may be ready for this opportunity. You might start by leaving him alone for 15 minutes or so to run a quick errand. If this goes well, gradually lengthen the time that he’s alone until you’ve actually got time for dinner and a movie.
Ready to Hang Out at the Mall?
It’s Saturday afternoon, and your cherubic 12-year-old is begging you to drop her off at the mall with her friends. Should you let her go? Many girls 12 – 15 years old see going to the mall as an opportunity to be with their friends without direct adult supervision. It’s less a chance to scope out clothes and more to scope out boys. While it’s natural to want this independence, is it a good idea?
- Is your daughter mature enough to be unsupervised for several hours? Do you know her friends who are going to the mall, and feel comfortable with them? Do you feel sure that she will never leave the mall with anyone without your knowledge?
- Is the mall safe? Do you feel there is appropriate security and adult supervision? What does the mall feel like on the weekends? Are the teens who are hanging out there reasonably well behaved, or do they concern you?
- Does your daughter have a cell phone she can use, and know she can call you if a situation ever makes her uncomfortable?
- Unsupervised mall visits can make shoplifting seem easy. Do you feel confident that your child will not shop lift, or be influenced by others to shop lift?
If the answer to the majority of these questions is yes, but you’re still uncomfortable sending her to the shopping center, here are a couple of intermediate steps you can take.
Go to the mall with her, and agree to go your separate ways until the meeting time. You don’t have to even acknowledge each other in the aisles of American Eagle.
Consider other places she could go with her friends that might not seem so unrestricted. Movie theaters, skating rinks and community centers may also offer a chance to be giggly without Mom looking on.
When it comes to tween independence, keep listening to your child and your intuition, and be flexible when you can. Maybe your child will do the same.
