Tweens desire respect and increased independence. Parents want chores done. How to help everyone win.
When it comes to chores, it can seem like a never-ending battle between parents and children. It often takes a family to run a house. There are myriad chores to be done in order to keep a family going, especially when mom or dad are often very busy with things besides laundry or picking up after older children.
Children between the age of 9 to 12, or tweens, developmentally need more independence. They also still need a great deal of encouragement and praise as they journey in the tween years from young child to teenager. Children in this age group can seem so much older than they really are. This especially shows in contrast if there are younger siblings in the house. Parents can make the mistake of unfair expectations of tweens, forgetting that they still do not have a fully formed ability to reason and judge and often need clear directions or understanding of expectations. There is still much of the small child hidden in the tween that craves praise and attention.
Tweens emotional needs and parents' desire for more help with housework can be the perfect meeting ground that leaves everyone a winner. Chores provide the tween with a chance to truly contribute to the well-being of the household. This helps develop self-esteem and industry. Housework is also an opportunity to work on skills important to future development: self-direction, following through a task, and understanding and meeting expectations in a job.
The trick for parents is to be clear in the expectations. To simply say, "Clean your room" is not enough. A parent may envision a clean room including an organized closet and a clean underbed. Without clear directions, children may clean only what is visible to the eye, but then be hurt and confused when they do not meet parental expectations.
Steps for Successful Chore Time
- Be very clear about what is expected and how often.
- Simply repeating things is not enough. Put it on paper. Make a weekly chore list, and write what needs to be done when.
- Make a detailed list for specific chores. For example, if the chore is to "Clean Room", take a piece of paper and list each step the child should take: "Clean top of dresser, clean top of desk, clean out under bed, put away all toys and books where they belong, dust sheves, put away dirty clothes, clean mirrors". Put this list in a location that is easy accessible to the child. For example, if the list is for cleaning the bathroom, keep the list in a bathroom cabinet. Remind child to consult list when doing the chore.
- Do not overwhelm child with too many steps. Keep lists age-appropriate.
- Model how to do the chores occasionally, so the child understands how to follow through
- Have consequences. Make sure these are logical and fair, and understood up front.
- Give lots of praise and encouragement.
When parents and tweens meet successfully through chores, parents get a cleaner house while tweens get the advantage of growing important skills.
