Some Ideas for Parents of Children Ages 10-13
Being Parents of this Age Group Can Be Both Fun and Challenging
Sep 6, 2008
Tweens are growing out of their childhood, becoming more aware of the world immediately around them (although, perhaps, not necessarily expanded beyond that). Having knowledge of the difference between right and wrong, they are faced with some decision-making as their responsibilities are increased and enhanced. This can be a trying and challenging time for both the tweens and their parents.
How Do Parents of Tweens Cope?
Coping with tweens takes patience and perseverance. More than ever, parents need to be focused on their children as individuals when they traverse through this stage. As they are becoming self-aware and more observant of the other individuals important in their life, parents’ monitoring of values and behavior can ward off potential bad judgment when they reach their teenage years.
It is very difficult, too, for parents who have been actively involved in their child’s life to sense an emotional departure of their preteen during these years. It is not unusual for children of this age to begin demonstrating a desire to be independent which means weighing decisions on their own without consulting mom or dad, trying out their own “look” as far as clothing and appearance, discovering other aspects of life beyond their own home environment. They are discovering and researching, in a way, their individual tastes in music, art, entertainment, career choice, people, etc. These choices may not include their parents; that’s what independence is all about.
In spite of what appears to be a withdrawal, aloofness or even rejection from their youngsters, parents have to maintain positive attitudes and involvement in their son' and daughters' lives.
Some Tips for Parenting Tweens
Parents need to keep a sense of humor and share it readily. This is extremely important.
Questions will need to be phrased differently in order to get a response. Use of open-ended questions, rather than one which requires a simple yes or no answer, will get more results.
Moms and dads who ask light or humorous questions will be rewarded with more complete answers. For example, "Tell me about some of the cool outfits the kids were wearing (on the first day of school." This topic isn’t gravely important, of course, to a parent, but it might lead into conversation about some other things that happened at school that day.
Empathy and sharing one’s own experiences as a youngster will get their attention. Make sure that the story is relevant to the occasion, i.e., "I went through that (situation) when I was your age. May I share my story with you?"
Hugs need to continue. One idea: When the preteen is seated, approach from behind and hug around his/her shoulders. And mom can take this chance to whisper encouraging messages into the child’s ear. This way of hugging involves less body contact (something that tweens shy away from), is non-threatening and works well.
Tweens are starting to value their own privacy. Parents need to knock before entering their bedrooms if the doors are shut. Rather than intruding with unwanted questions or making comments, mom can ask if she can enter and then simply make herself at home – but only for a short time. Lie down on the bed with Cindy, for example, if she’s watching TV. Mom needs to only stay about 5 minutes, but this demonstrates that she is interested in what Cindy’s doing and wants to be with her.
Kids love surprises. A note in the lunchbox is a treasure regardless of what it says. It brings mom or dad to mind even during a busy school day and reminds the child of the family connection.
Unconditional Love
Children of any age need to know that they are loved. Even when preteens are difficult to like (and, at times, this is true), they should be told in words, not just actions, that they are loved unconditionally.
Moms and dads of children who have grown out of childhood but are not yet teenagers find themselves in a kind of limbo that can seem to test even the most experienced of parents. Children ages 10-13 all of a sudden seem to change personality and focus when, in fact, they are simply growing into the next stage of life. Patience, perseverance and lots of love will get any family through this most interesting growth phase.
