Who Bullies?
Before anyone can put a stop to bullying we must understand where it comes from. Technically, bullying is any thought-out activity meant to harm someone who is seen as unworthy of respect and concern.
Most experts agree that contempt drives most bullying. Bullies can be the "popular" kids who are often intimidating their "friends", or they can be the outcasts. For whatever reasons, bullies feel it is acceptable to treat others with contempt, hatred or meanness.
Getting kids who bully, or are bullied, to identify with others’ feelings and perceptions is the best way to reduce this trend among schoolchildren, according to Trisha Madsen, Program Director at STOP Violence, A Program of Synergy Services. Empathizing with a victim takes away the bully’s need to put someone else down. Conversely, once a target can understand why someone is being overly aggressive, they can stop blaming themselves for the bullying. Instead, they realize it’s not their fault and they don’t have to simply take the bullying.
What to Do: Parents And Kids
Naturally, parents want to help their children whenever they experience a bullying situation. But, sometimes our best instincts don’t actually help our children much at all. Avoidance, telling a teacher, or even hitting back may be all we have in our immediate arsenal. Yet, these strategies usually don’t result in long-term solutions. Madsen and recommend that parents:
- Listen, don’t minimize the impact of the situation.
- Document it.
- Teach empathy.
- Get involved with other parents, organizations, etc.
- Assure your child that you will help them.
Madsen conducts workshops with students, encouraging them to change the culture of their school. That is a real wake-up call for most students, who don’t believe they have the power to influence their peers. She presents three things they can do to put a stop to bullying:
- empathize with the bully, instead of isolating and stereotyping them.
- empower the witness to see that, "Tomorrow, I could be on the receiving end of the bullying. It will continue if I don’t do something."
- And, finally, reach out to the bullied. They need to share their experiences with others to realize it’s not just happening to them.
Madsen also recommends using humor to throw off the bully. Comeback lines are another tool for diffusing a bully, e.g., "Whatever you say turns to glue, turns around and sticks to you." Or, surprise them and say "Thank you for noticing…." Role play these lines with parents, close friends, or siblings.
Lastly, remember we all can do something to reduce bullying. Keep talking about it with your children and students until you are satisfied that it is no longer a part of their day.
Education is the best weapon. For more details on addressing bullying, read Finding Solutions to Bullying. You can also check out the following titles and website:
Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children by Michael Thompson, Ph.D., Adult reading
King of the Playground by Kate Cohen-Posey, Ages 9-12
How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies by Phyllis Naylor, Ages 4-8
Respecting Our Differences: A Guide to Getting Along in a Changing World by Lynn Duvall, Adolescent
