Who are 'Tweens' ?
Even though most parents recognize how important friends are to their children, many don't quite know how to help their kids to seek and maintain healthy friendships. The need for friendships is even more difficult during the preadolescent years, also known as the 'in between' years or 'tween' years for short.
These groups of 9 - 12 year olds have specific characteristics and needs that define who they are and where they belong in our society. Often seen as an awkward stage, tweens are eager to leave things of their childhood behind and yet, they struggle with the need to assert their independence much like their older teen counterparts.
It is during this stage of adolescence that the onset of insecurities, the need to stand out from the crowd, and the need for reassurance intensifies. Tweens are constantly searching for approval from everyone, especially from their peers.
Tools For Building Healthy Friendships
Friendships are often judged on whether there are shared feelings surrounding a variety of issues, such as, anxiety over tests or fear of spiders or who the cutest guy/girl in the class is. The most important element in tween friendships are the depth of secrets they share with one another.
Some friendships are not always in your tween's best interest. Many parents struggle with the question of when is it considered intruding on their tweens' right to make their own choices. Listed below are some proven strategies that will help you to teach your tween how to form healthy friendships:
- Building Self-Esteem: This is by far the most important tip when it comes to empowering your tween in choosing friends wisely. Building self-esteem begins with having a respectful, open, and loving relationship with your tween. Tweens need to hear affirmation such as, “I love you”, "I'm proud of you!" on a regular basis. When he/she doesn't succeed at something, instead of saying, "You'll do better next time", ask questions that would prompt your tween to discuss how he/she feels.
- Be Yourself: The most important nugget of wisdom you can pass on to your tween is to be yourself. A true friend will like your tween for who he/she is, not what he/she is wearing or whether or not he/she has the latest "in" gadget.
- Finding Common Interests: Encourage your tween to find other kids who like the same things he does. Find out what it is that your tween excels at and encourage him/her to continue pursing that interest by joining a club.
- Get to Know Your Child's Friends: Have your child's friends over for a "hang-out" session on a weekend afternoon at your home. Be sure to plan some structured activities for that afternoon. Use this as an opportunity to get to know your child's friends and decide for yourself whether they are good influence on your child.
- Develop a Strong Parent Network: It is also important to get to know the friends' parents. This not only gives you a glimpse of what kind of homes your child's friends come from, but it is a good opportunity for you to gain some support from other parents in similar situations.
Making friends can be difficult for anyone, especially awkward tweens struggling with poor self-esteem and self-image issues. To insure a smooth transition during this difficult phase, parents need to do three things: Keep the lines of communication open, give your full attention when listening to your child, and create opportunities for them to develop healthy friendships.
References:
Clifford-Poston, Andrea. Tweens: what to expect from --and how to survive --your child's pre-teen years: Oxford. Oneworld. 2005.
Middle Years Information Centre
