Parenting Tweens

» Sandra Williams - Spanking

In response to Spanking posted by atl_guy06:

I have twin tweens (11) and I think I may have spanked one once this year and that was because she deliberately crossed the boundary that she was given to play. She hasn't done it since.

Fortunately at this age I can usually talk sense to them but otherwise they will have consequences to bad behavior. (Clean up a big mess, apologize for being rude, contribute to paying for broken item etc.) I'm not a huge fan of grounding and only use that on rare occasions as well. We have some kids in the neighborhood that are grounded every week.

» Rekd - Spanking

In response to Spanking posted by DianeFitz:

I don't think it works. Maybe for some, but I've not seen it.

It works. Examples?

Scratching the TV screen by hitting it with toys. Snuck up and "smack" on the bottom.

That was over a year ago. No more scratches. No more touchy feely on the TV at all.

Of course, like anything, if you do it too much, it has the opposite effect. Timing is important too.

-- posted by Rekd

» Jace Shoemaker-Galloway - Spanking

In response to Spanking posted by Rekd:

Hi. Interesting discussion!

I work with hundreds of children every single week. The past several years, I have worked with children in grades K-3, but the 3 years prior, worked with 7-12th graders. Imagine working with HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of teenagers every single day!!

I think spanking is a personal choice. I can tell you from my own personal experience, being an ex police dispatcher and working in a school district, the lack of respect by most children today is disturbing, appalling and still shocks me to this day!

I suppose a lack of respect and defiance by a child to their own parent is one thing, but when other children have no respect for educators, other parents and even police officers, it is beyond my comprehension!

I dont know why children are like this now, I know had I ever spoken to an adult in that manner when I was young, I would not be here to speak about it today.

But it seems back in the "day", the old ruler sure seemed to do the trick!!

Good luck!

» Naomi Rockler-Gladen - Spanking

In response to Spanking posted by jacer:

We choose not to spank. I am not opposed to other parents doing so, in moderation.

» mandyrufle - Spanking

In response to Spanking posted by atl_guy06:

The arrogance and attitude came because of their age not because you stopped spanking. I have a 12 and 14 year old. So I know.

I also was spanked often as a child. With a belt. So as you can expect I am against it on many levels.

I never spanked my boys and they were great kids and then they became tweens. So they have a little attitude, they get grounded.
We get creative and employ what me and my husband call "real consequences".
For example, my son was mouthing off to me before I was supposed to give him a ride to be with a friend. His "real consequence" was, that I won't give him a ride. He was mean to me and now I won't do you a favor. He learned real quick, treat me nicely, because I don't owe you any favors.

The last time I was spanked I was 14. That was way too old. My relationship is strained to this day with my father, and I can't help but believe that was part of it. Tweens and teens need to learn how to deal with problems with out hitting. Do you want your kids to be afraid of you? When they are, they hide from you too. Both me and my brother did just that. We had to hide everything because we were afraid of what he might do to us. That is all spanking will do for you too- believe me.

They are getting to an age that you have to be more creative than that. They need guidance on how to behave. How will spanking do that?

-- posted by mandyrufle

» Rekd - Spanking

In response to Spanking posted by jacer:

I dont know why children are like this now, I know had I ever spoken to an adult in that manner when I was young, I would not be here to speak about it today.

The reason is that kids now-a-days know they can get their parents (or any other adult, i.e. educator, daycare etc) in trouble if they're spanked. Think kids don't use that to their advantage? I've heard threats from kids as young as 6 yrs that they're going to call the cops if their parents tried to discipline them.

It's truly pathetic that people are taking away the parent's ability to discipline their kids, and especially that non-parents are trying to tell parents how to be parents.

It all has a profound effect later in life when kids are allowed to do as they please as they're growing.

-- posted by Rekd

» Rekd - Spanking

In response to Spanking posted by NaomiRG:

I am not opposed to other parents doing so, in moderation.

x eleventy billion!

I was physically abused as a child, and I have scars to prove it. My dad went way overboard. I still believe that spanking (in some cases at earlier ages, not tweens), is effective.

-- posted by Rekd

» Mary Rayme - Spanking

In response to Spanking posted by Rekd:
Glad to find some common ground with you, Matt.;-)

As the parent of a 10-year-old son, I just have to say that they can be master manipulators. I see many parents who let their kids walk all over them. I have spanked my son maybe twice and each time it as well called for.

Ideally, parents have disciplined their kids in such a way that spanking is only pulled out ocassionally not regularly.

» Jennifer Jensen - Spanking

In response to Spanking posted by Rekd:
A lot has been said, but I guess I'll still join in. Back to the original post--I think spanking works when you need the pain to provide shock value, such as running across the street or touching the hot stove. Of course that's at a very young age. Slightly older, a well-placed swat or two (and I mean hand on pants, not belt on bare bottom) let my kids know whatever it was was totally unacceptable--still for the shock value.
As they grew up, the "I'm so disappointed in you" was great. But once they're past the younger ages, 8 or 9, I found there was no need or occasion to swat. They weren't necessarily great at 12-14, but we did the "real" consequence thing and when you don't get a ride to town, or you don't have clean clothes to wear, or you can't use the computer/phone/tv/whatever, it had an impact. Disrespectful speech wasn't allowed, and it came better from my husband saying "I don't want you to talk to your mother that way," and vice versa. I do have to say that I think you can talk TOO much. Short, focused, have an impact. And have a friends-again-talk-about-feelings chat later when things have calmed down. FWIW, I've raised 3 (youngest is 17), they're all responsible, respectful, and successful now.

» tcannonh - Spanking

In response to Spanking posted by DianeFitz:

I am the divorced father of two girls, a 2yr old and a 6 yr old. I have seen in their behavior that they tend to hit each other when conflict arises.
I don't spank them often. I use timeouts, and the referenced "I am really disappointed in you." and I have found that with the younger ones, this is pretty effective. Only occasionally, with my oldest, I have used a swat on the butt, or a tap on the chin to get my point across. (Tap meaning, with two fingers not a fist)
With my two year old, a time-out is the worst thing for her. She hates them, even though they only last for two minutes. (the six year old gets six minutes) I am very affectionate with my kids and it seems to break their hearts when I put them in time-out and ignore them. I have never spanked the two year old.
My 6 year old is a little different. I have used spanking with her, but, I try not to use that often, since she seems to flinch every time she does something wrong. Obviously expecting to get slapped in the face. (a reaction from living with her mother)
Their mother spanks them for everything. She slaps them in the face, kicks them, pulls their hair, and has been known to bite them for punishment. My 2yr old recently had teeth marks on her arm for a week from that. (Yes, the police know)
I also agree with the statement that hitting a child for hitting someone else just breeds confusion.
I think that spanking a child for every misbehavior only teaches them to use physical force to resolve their own conflicts. I have seen both of my daughters hit each other when they are fighting over something.
My fiancé has two kids of her own. An 11 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. When I have to discipline these two, the situation is completely different. Obviously, I can't spank them, they are not my kids. So, I have to be more creative and in doing so, have found other forms of punishment to be extremely effective.
The six year old is easy. If I get mad at her, it breaks her heart. I am the only Daddy she's ever known since she was 2 years old and it's very important to her to have my approval. I just hope that is the way it's going to be when she's 16.
Sorry to have wandered so far away from the original subject, but, I felt that I needed to address a few things first.
On the subject of spanking an 11 year old;
If a situation calls for it, you betcha!
I have noticed that my 11 year old is getting to the age that he's beginning to establish his independence. He's not very affected by not having my approval or affection (his Dad still comes around about every four months), so, I have to be creative with him. As I said before, I don't and could not ever spank him. So, when he's in trouble, I take something he loves away. Game system, T.V., cable T.V. etc. This only works if he has the privileges to begin with, so, it might not be effective in all situations.
My fiancé and I will reward him with something new if he keeps himself out of trouble. I guess you could say that it's important to reward a child for good behavior if you want the punishment for bad behavior to have any effect.
When he brings home a good report card, we will take him out and let him get a new video game, toy, remote control car .... whatever. Usually, what ever it is, he's been talking about it and is very excited to be getting it. Then, when he does something wrong, he loses his new toy for awhile. He just got his "Guitar Hero III" back then messed up and lost his Nintendo Wii. His "Guitar Hero III" is back on the chopping block, and he's been trying very hard to get his Wii back. We'll see what the report card says this time.
I would say it's important to be in tune with your 11 and 13 year old kids and know what they like and dislike to have any effect on their behavior.
But, as a last resort, a humiliating swat on the butt would surely get their attention and let them know you mean business.

By the way, I was spanked as a child. The most severe was five swats on the bare butt with a belt for using five of Moms good China plates for target practice.

-- posted by tcannonh